Failure

I've been having a really bad week. With a bit of a breakdown on thursday night/ friday morning, I've eaten loads!! So i must have put on weight but i'm too scared to check.. I'm going to have to start again and try harder this time! I promised my boyfriend that i would try and be better about my eating from this week onwards, but i'm just going to have to find a way of hiding it better?

I'm thinking of fasting over this weekend (assuming my parents don't force me to eat any meals with them), exercising as much as i can, and slowly dropping things out of my diet...

So far I've dropped things like milk out of my diet, replacing it with soy milk where i can... XD my parents hate that! I'll replace crisps and things with fruit, and white bread with brown bread i guess? But in general just avoid food, period.

I need to look at this with a positive attitude i think, always looking at life with negativity really does make everything harder, and though it may be a bit tricky seeing as i'm a teeny bit depressed anyway... It would be a better way of about things...

Its like 10:10 in the morning and the first challenge will come in the form of me avoiding lunch at my grandmas house!!!

I WILL reach my goal weight... No matter what i have to do to get there...

Stay Strong xx

Urrrgghhhhh.....

I had two hours sleep today, and then lasted until lunch on nothing but cigarettes and caffeine ^^.. Then of course lunch came around, and my boyfriend, (fully aware of my eating problems) made me have 3/4 of a tuna sandwich, a pain au chocolate, and then a Terry's chocolate orange... =\ Oh the calories!

I downloaded a pretty handy app for my iTouch before i went to sleep, which i can use to track my calorie intake based on what i eat...

So Its telling me that:

Sandwich - 230 cal

Pain au Chocolat - 241 cal (CRAP!)

Chocolate - 460 cal (DEATH!! <-- I hate my self soo much for even letting him get me this =[...)

Then i get home, feeling really ill, to be told i HAVE to have dinner!!

I managed to eat alone, and had:

1/2 bowl porridge (w/. Semi-skimmed milk) - 91 cal

1/2 Banana - 55 cal

-___- What an awful day...

But i did do 75 minutes of "brisk walking" which is supposed to have burnt off around 306 cal? And i Did 50 crunches (so far) and 20 push-ups (again - so far)

I want to fast tomorrow, but seeing as what happened today I will probably have to do something for dinner... ^^

xx

Self Hate

I failed today, I didn't eat all day until night, and then my mum made a huge dinner and i ended up bingeing =[ 1700 calories!! FUCK!

Thats going to take forever to get rid of, Not to mention i've got this crazy insomnia at the moment, 00.07 am and i'm not even sleepy yet X_x...

I hate my self for not having self control

I hate my self for bingeing

I hate my self for being fat

I hate my self for failing Ana =[

I'm terrified to see how much i'll weigh in the morning, i was still 48.5 at 6.45am 18th jan, but today i can only imagine how bad it'll be..

I'll do lots of exercise tonight... And i'll walk 2/3 rds of the 3 mile journey to school, as well as not eat anything...

I also have therapy tomorrow, so i hope she doesn't weigh me.. O.o

I hate life so much... TT_TT

xx

Good Ending

Hmm... I had lunch, but that was not too much and then i purged anyway =] good good.. Then I went to the gym and ran for about an hour ( the longest i could get my dad to take me there for) And burnt about 202 calories? So that made me feel a bit better, of course getting back home had to ruin everything..

Dinner was a piece of toast, with philadelphia and olives...

So 85+47+19 = 151 cal! Thats pretty bad, I'll probably do a bunch of crunches and exercise before bed so i don;t feel so crap... I also had a bunch of negative calorie melon because I needed to pretend that i was eating a normal amount... X_x

I feel so fat... =[ But I'll get there slowly...

xx

Good beginning

Good start to the day =]... Did a bunch of exercise Both this morning all ready and last night...Last night I did like 170 crunches, 20 mins of skipping and 50 push-ups =]

This morning i did like 50 crunches, and a few push-ups... I've also been doing this leg lift thing which is supposed to burn fat well.....

I've eaten some negative calorie melon, but not much anyway...

I've also had a lot of water.... As of this morning i am 48.4 kg Where as I was 48.9 yesterday... Probably just water weight, but positive none-the-less ^^

Going to keep this up today, lots more exercise and very little food.. =]

xx

From the Beginning

Starting from scratch with my blog because my boyfriend found my other one and checked up on it too often to write anything in it... >.<

Around the 3rd of jan my stats were:

Height : 5'6"
Current weight: 49kg
Highest Weight: 57kg <--- NOT pretty at all *shivers*
Lowest Weight: 45kg
Goal Weight: 45kg

At the moment they are:

Height : 5'6"
Current weight: 48kg
Highest Weight: 57kg
Lowest Weight: 45kg
Goal Weight: 45kg

So not all that different unfortunately due to excessive eating caused by exam stress and lack of control =[...

So useless... Anyway I'm making sure i do better, I've already been doing better-ish over the last few days, making sure its harder to tell if i'm eating or not, when i'm not =D

Today was full of very low/negative calorie fruit right until the end where i was taken out for dinner and HAD to swallow 4-5 average sized bites of steak and some chips... I hate that i did, and now i feel like i've eaten LOADS... will have to make up for it later by working out some...

Hoping tomorrow will be better, it gets easier the more i learn

xx